Is it okay for my husband to help other ladies without telling me?
07.06.2025 07:47
So it show the two extremes: those who care and those who don’t. or have to read something negative or nasty in to a perfectly innocent situation. In my case without the girl’s intervention would not be writing this now.
I was in the living room with her in my arms as a if a small child when husband walks through the door. Raised an eyebrow but just asked what had happened and just told him the truth and I went home. A couple of hourse later he and I happened (his intention I suspect) to be at the pub, and he just orderded his drink and came up quietly and said, “Thanks for helping “A” today , can you tell me about the events before she called you.
It is this sort of community, inter-support approach that is fast dying in the UK as we become more insular and it is no just sad, but equally very dangerous, as people wll not help oter people. Whether it be man looking after man or vice versa..
I am epileptic, which my neighbours know about and two of them are “Case of Need Key holders”. I am registered as a vulnerable person and if I can dial 999 but can’t speak the telephone company have me registered as a vulnerable person and a paramedic dispatched. One of my negibours is probably already with me or the paramedics will knock on their door for the pass key.
So I would like to think that my wife who would be in the opposite scenario to the one you paint it does come down to loneliness and that is a killer in itself. So those ladies your husbands help are probably at the top end of the age profile and probably see his as “the nice young man who will always help you” (even if he is 50 - the term young is relative -:) )
So no different to helping ladies than helping older ladies, even if that may included mending a fuse or wiring up a plug (not that I can do too much as I have colour recognition issues) however I could make sure the house/residence was safe. Of course doing their shopping for them particularly if it was a long list, some of which heavy so a car needed. They can’t drive, I can so I pay on my Credit / Debit Card and they pay me by electronic funds to my bank account and I pay my card. Quick and easy.
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If it is something on the lines of helping them with say legal documents or complex correspondence of a formal nature, which can only be done at their house and you were not around when they called him, but the situation urgent, I don’t see a problem.
Although I could not sign it off, now both of them knew what I was doing and why, then they would sign off if they understood what I was doing.
In the case of your husband not telling you perhaps the emergency that urgent he hasn’t go time to ask your permission !
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As a single man I have had to help a couple of women in their early 30s who have gone through nervous shock as an accident she has witnessed, indeed just had hubby walk out and need emotional support. If that means crying, I have no issue with that; and indeed a man of the same age profile who lost his severely disabled wife indirectly through COVID phoned me to tell me she had died. It was clear that this was not “just to let me know” (I am a friend of the family) he needed company. And yes when I got to his address, emotionally he was in right mess and psychologically went from adult to child in seconds of my arrival. Next thing I have is a man of 50 crying his eyes out and needing a strong cuddle.
Another elderly lady needed emotional support having lost her husband of 50 years in a “drop down dead” situation shorlty after the 50 year celebration, and the loneliness was very real, particularly to an 80 year old. So I was there for company, although she would often ask me to help her with something that actually didn’t need fixing, I went through the motions, and what she really wanted was someone to be with her “cup of tea and a biscuit” and talk to.
Suddenly I am no longer an adult, but a parent calming down and consoling what was an adult and now switched to a child. No different too a woman in the same situation, and if she needs a kiss and a cuddle, I see no harm in that, and indeed probably stopped her from “going over the edge” in the form of a nervous break down. Men have feelings too, and if they need to cry and need a cuddle (they have gone through exactly the same psychological shock as a woman would have done, and yes Big Boys DO CRY ! )then I would do the same for them.
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The other scenario is your hubby is in his mid-late 40s and the girl across the road has become a mum, and her husband may work odd hours and she needs a “Dad” that she can talk to or even help with baby. I was about 30 when my neigbour of about 25 was going through the tearful stage to pregnancy, and just needed someone to talk to. She already had a toddler so her hands very full and needed someone to talk to and help look after the little ones.
The only other thing I asked was where they were going and a contact contact telephone number in case I needed them urgently and roughly what time they would be back. Other than that, off you go, have a good night out and have fun, don’t worry about little ones, who would probaby (and usually did) sleep through the night. OK you always had the proverbial “Can I have a drink of water” (read I want attention) or if you heard them moving around just go up to check on them and if they needed the toilet just wait outside until they had “finished” make sure they had washed their hands and wiped themselves then put them back to bed.
Meanwhile two older folk in their 40s (apparently) had walked passed her, not offering to help but passed a sarcastic remark that I was probably drunk. The issue there, was it was 10 am ! Pubs/bars would not have been even open !
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I am single, never married in part due to my over indulgence in my work, the opportunity passed me by. However due to the odd hours I worked and in particularly one woman who, shall I say, was not the sharpest knife in the drawer, often had to have letters read or explained to her. Also she did have a husband who was more than a little protective and she did get lonely.
I told him honestly that she had been with two very active small chidlren, I think she had PND and that was why she was tearful and best if he kept an eye on her. If they wanted time together, I would be happy to be baby sitter for baby and play with three year old for bed-time. The only thing I asked was that the boy had already been washed and put in to his night wear, and baby had been changed before they went out for the night.
So, I don’t fit the question exactly, but I have read Family Law and dealt with individuals who find official documents difficult (and it does seem that the drafting of some of these questions are confusing to even some one who has legal training !) and due to the information required being at their home have been invited back there. Nothing untoward, no question of affairs, just someone who is scared of official documentation; and even the husband really understands or can complete the forms. Let alone the legal terminology.
What sort of help is he giving them?
However two ladies I used to help one much older in her 50s but husband still worked odd hours and too tired to go through complex issues, it was not unusual for me to be sitting with his wife at the table and going though the papers with my WP connected and ready to type. (This was long before Windows, Gates et. al. not to mention the internet). So actually the husband not bothered by my presence, OK sometimes wanted to read any documents I had drafted to make sure they were what they were designed for. However some of the legal issues they would not have understood so to have me draft and explain the documents and in the case of Court Action explain the Particulars of Claim or Reply and Defence to a summons they may have received and why it was required to be phrased that way.
Of course it is OK to help other people. One of the things I have noticed over th last 20 years, and this is largely down to the TV and Internet, e-mail et. al. we have forgotten how to integrate socially and become very insular. I am lucky where I live a road where those in the immediate vicinity where I live, know and look out for each other.
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I am extremely grateful to a young girl of 17 who looked after me when I took quite a serious convulsive fit walking down my High Street. Just collapsed in to the seisure hitting the ground with my head (lucky I didn’t fracture my scull) but grazed my face up badly and broke my glasses, which cut my face but fortunately “exploded” and did not hit my eye area. It was this 17 year old who did the first aid (and moving twice her body weight) and called the paramedics.